Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*