A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?