Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.