Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

LOL!

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.