a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
#CatsOnTwitter
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.