Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

🤣🤣

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too