A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent