Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

how it started vs how it ended

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?