A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”