Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

fly smarter, not harder

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”