A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults