A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
This is amazing.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I think this should do it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?