Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

The prophecy is fulfilled

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.