Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

*looks at you in batman voice*

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return