Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Got ya covered

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”