a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
What if all the cashiers are married?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
