A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
😂😂😂
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
A collection of me turning into random objects.