A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
taking June’s advice to heart
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.