a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro