Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
You Might Also Like
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Where is your GOD now????
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee