A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
12653.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps