A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My therapist after every session
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
