Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

🙂🙃🥹

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.