Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

britain’s three elite institutions

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please