a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.