a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.