Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Spring cleaning checklist…

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.