Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

sugar glider wrangler

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

that would 100% work on me

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )