Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

A man of commitment.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.