A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made