Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣dope

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.