@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

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@SICKOFWOLVES

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

@BuckyIsotope

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

@sarcasm_inc

*approaches your table*
Magic trick?
*I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*

@heatherlou_

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

@squirrel74wkgn

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

@CulturedRuffian

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

@Lisabug74

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

@hamishblake

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

@TheMichaelRock

Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.