A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.