Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[my brain going to party]
general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?
social anxiety: what if they don’t?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.