@OhNoSheTwitnt

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

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@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@Home_Halfway

Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@psybermonkey

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@LiquidFaerie

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

@arcadeseals

[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?

@mommy_cusses

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.