Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds