A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom