Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

it’s not been my year

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.