Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Phones down.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Can’t. About to go please some beans
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.