A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
real
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.