A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.