A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
how to market bottled water to dads
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
