A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
