A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
You Might Also Like
Weirdly Wednesday.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
You learn something every day
Writing, She Murdered.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass