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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out