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I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
6: are snakes just neck?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
black phone good
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.