A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
😏😏😏
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.