A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
That’s enough internet for the day
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.