Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

broke down and did it

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.