[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
