Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

My dad.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.