Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yall want some gasoline milk

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Where’s my employee discount too?

Every work call, he judges.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids