A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.