Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?