A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.