A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains