A male goth is called a broth.
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
new year update: losing everything but weight
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*files a restraining order against reality*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Finally
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.