A male goth is called a broth.
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“A little help here, Danny?”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
serving silly goose instead of turkey
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.