A male goth is called a broth.
You Might Also Like
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
tag yourself
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.