A male goth is called a broth.
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person