A male goth is called a broth.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.