Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical