A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”