A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
You Might Also Like
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?