Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

gm

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.