A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Haha good job!!
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
An odd boast
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”