A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
how to market bottled water to dads
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
HOW DARE YOU
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
