A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
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firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Mike is short for Micycle
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that