@batkaren

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

You Might Also Like

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@jokeymcjokeface

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

@bornmiserable

[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

@HannahAntics

30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.