A man approaches me. "You caught my eye," he says. I look in my hand. "Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!"

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

i love pizza

I’m still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

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