Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When the bell on your bus doesn’t work…
TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.