@batkaren

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

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@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@hailtotheHunny

So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

@gobmentcheese

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

@SonOfCha

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@KngHnryVIII

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.