A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I am having an out of money experience.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.